Christmas Music

I find no joy in Christmas music.

The 80-year old guy driving the car is deaf, so the radio is turned up loud enough to be heard in Texas. (We’re driving through New York City.)

I’ve heard all 56,001 versions of “Jingle Bell Rock.”

I had no idea Cousin Brucie was still alive. Is he 100 years old?

I detest the chirpy music coming out of the radio at Christmas. I just don’t get the attraction to hearing music by singers whose voices don’t sound human. I don’t want to hear syrupy or sugary voices chiming out Christmas tunes.

The only Christmas song I find hilarious is the Blink 182 rock song where the leader singer talks about winding up in jail with “Bubba” on Christmas Day. Bubba gives him a package.

Easily 10 years ago I heard on an alternative radio station a parody of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.” The lyrics talked about “chipmunks roasting on an open fire.” The song was not right yet I recommend you search for it on YouTube to listen to it at least once.

Rudolph’s nose is so red because it’s been a white Christmas.


I find no joy in Christmas music.


You Can Be Right (Or You Can Be Married)

The worst book I ever read was so negative I couldn’t believe it:
You Can Be Right (Or You Can Be Married.) I don’t even remember the author’s name. He was a guy, and he recounted the worst of humanity with no redeeming features of the stories he told.

Save your money. Don’t even check the book out of the library.

If you want to save your marriage, I’ll offer you my own tale that I find so amusing that I’m chuckling right now. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A guy turns 80 and suddenly decides to help his wife out in the kitchen. Rather than be grateful that she can now spend time resting after dinner, she wants to berate him because he’s not cleaning the dishes the correct way. He uses too much dish soap, and even I know this will result in needing to use more running water to get the excessive soap off the dishes.

I told the woman: “Do you want to be right or do you want to have peace?” I get it: the guy knows he might not be here a heck of a lot longer. And he realizes his wife is getting older too and can’t do everything she used to do. Doesn’t the wife see that the guy is an imbecile and she should really laugh at him like I’m chuckling over it now. The guy will yell at her for correcting him instead of realizing he should ease up on the soap and water.

This is a humorous example of what goes on in a lot of marriages.

I find it all so amusing. Unlike the horror stories in the book I just wrote about. I would like to do a stand-up comedy routine about this, or some kind of hilarious physical comedy sketch about it.

I’ll end here by telling readers that it gets even more ridiculous: there’s supposed to be a correct way to fold bath towels. A woman who wrote a clutter control book devoted space in her manual to telling everyone exactly how to fold bath towels.

By the way, I fold the bath towels wrong. It astounds me that some genius figured out the correct way to fold bath towels.

You can be right. Or you can be married. Save money on buying that book and use it on dish soap instead,